Heavy Sigh...

Its Friday..the end of a very interesting week. Last week was bad... I mean, down-on-my-knees-crying-in-my-closet-I-can't-take-it -anymore-what-is-going-on-in-my-life bad. I had many mini meltdowns. It seemed as though I just could catch a break. It was just awful. On a side note, I want to say that in times of despair, I am very grateful for the awesome friends I have in my life who stand with me in prayer and who offer encouraging words. I am very thankful for uplifting music that speaks the truth about trials and tribulations that come but God's promises to enable us get through them. As I peeled myself of the floor last week, I had to know that no matter what I was facing, God was more than able to get me through it. I have been through some rough stuff before,y'know...the kind of stuff that happens to you and you just repeat to God every single promise that He ever made to you . " Lord , you said that you will be with me always, you said that you will be my ever present help, you said this ...you said that...and that..." and the list goes on and on. But , this week I was able to see that God has the power to instantly turn our situations around. Never underestimate the power of prayer. It really does change things. I am starting to see the Lord change things for the better. So long as I continue to confess His word daily and look to him to be my source, I have no reason to stress.

It is well.

Mama said there would be days like these...well when we have weeks like these God says " Lo, I am with thee, always"

Be still

Every now and then , a song comes along that just speaks to you and how you feel. Here is Storyside B..love this song!!

P.S...His promises are binding!! Be still and know He is here!!

Trials ...they come...the bigger they are , the harder they fall!!!

In the Word, it says that in this world , we will face trials and tribulations but the Lord will deliver us from them all. Do you ever wake up in the morning and say " Is this my life...who's life is this?" You get this gnawing feeling that things are just not going to get better. I know that I have. I know that is how I felt this morning. I felt a feeling on sadness over some of things I have seen happen repeatedly in my life. It almost seems to me sometimes that in the midst of all that is going on, how can God take the glory for it all? Things that make you say " why should I praise God...this isn't working out and that isn't working out? Why should I pray? I should I sing praises and worship God? You feel like there is no point to it all.

But then, there is that point you come to when you do a bit of self reflection. Reflecting on the numerous numerous times that the Lord granted us grace, peace and mercy. Today, I found myself looking for encouragement anywhere I could find it but where I found my encouragement was looking back at my life in past year, 2 years, or even 5 years. There has never been a time when the Lord let me completely hit rock bottom without intervening. Its almost like God tell the enemy " Alright, ENOUGH, its My time to run things, step off, you've played around with my child for way too long". I have seen the Lord suddenly turn things around in my life...giving me more than I had ever expected and working the situation out better than I would have ever thought. Don't you love it when you don't expect it, something amazing happens, taking you completely by surprise? Its the awesome-est feeling in the world.

Lately, I have been thinking about Job and about David. Job went through many many trials. I remember reading in the book of Job, after Job's wife had asked Job to curse God and die, he responded " Should we accept only good from God and not bad". Many at times, we feel that we should only give glory to God when things are great but not when they are bad. Even in the midst of sadness with what I am seeing right now, I am digging for His word, His promises and I am standing on them. I am speaking the word and I am singing praises. The Devil can not steal my praises because he never gave them to me. He can't steal my peace or my joy, he never gave me that. I will not curse God...He is mighty to save, He is my savior, He is an all knowing, all capable God. He knows all and sees all, the Author and Finisher of my faith. How can you not give praise...no one can compare to the power that He possesses.

In case of David, I think of the story of how this young shepherd boy was able by the power of the Almighty, kill Goliath. In our lives, we have a lot of " Goliaths" but I believe that the same spirit that enabled David to slay the giant dwells within us this day. God is the same today, yesterday and forever. Nothing is too difficult for Him to do. If anything, the greater the trial, the greater the testimony. The taller or bigger the giant, the harder they fall. I look forward to giving an AMAZING testimony of how the Lord was able to use the ashes of my current situation and transform it into something amazing . Praise the Lord.

Melancholic me

I have always wondered which one of the four temperaments I fit into...today, I decided to wiki it!! I discovered that of the four , I was definitely Melancholic. Wikipedia describes a person with this temperament as:

"A person who is a thoughtful ponderer has a melancholic disposition. Often very kind and considerate, melancholics can be highly creative – as in poetry and art - but also can become overly pre-occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world, thus becoming depressed. Amelancholic is also often a perfectionist, being very particular about what they want and how they want it in some cases. This often results in being dissatisfied with one's own artistic or creative works and always pointing out to themselves what could and should be improved. They are often loners and most times choose to stay alone and reflect."

I definitely think these qualities fit me the most. Its interesting what you can learn about yourself and how that helps you to understand how and why you react and behave the way you do. You learn something new everyday!!! While I do think that I do meditate a lot on the cruelty and injustices of this world, I don't believe that it makes me depressed. Depression, not my portion!!! If anything, it motivates me to want to make a change in my immediate environment.

Sometimes, you just don't know

As I sat in my car last night after a grueling but positive Marketing Mid term, I just thought to myself.."Lord, what is going on?" I just had this feeling of wanting to know what the future holds. Even this morning, as I woke up, I remember thinking " Lord, what's new?". I think as human beings we need to have a feeling of anticipation, knowing that something exciting lies at the horizon. Is there more to my life than just being a full time graduate student, all night study sessions, group projects and mid terms? Sometimes, you just don't know ...but it is at these times I have to remember that the Lords grace is sufficient for me. His ultimate plan for our lives is perfect and we just have to take things one day at a time living in the moment. I just want to shake off the impatience for all things I want to do and to learn acceptance and contentment. It is a battle I face often but I hope to be able to overcome.

Now a couple of random things:

1. I am on a facebook hiatus. While its been amazing to spend time with God instead of surfing facebook, I still struggle with withdrawals. Sometimes, I find myself feeling like I am out of the loop. I don't know what is going on and I feel disconnected from people. But maybe sometime great can come of it...we will have to see!!

2. I love Tulips...any color ..doesn't matter..they are the most beautiful flowers in the world to me..yet the most simple looking.. Love love them.

3. I love cupcakes.

4. I am probably the only female in the world who loathes the Lifetime and Hallmark Channel. I can't stand the sappy melodramatic themes their movies have...been there done that...next!!

5. I haven't been watching a lot of tv lately. I can count on one hand the shows that I watch these days and even at that, I never watch them when they air. Thank God for SideReel!!

6. I am totally in love with my Joss Stone Pandora Station...just when I think the next song can't get any better...it does.

7. I am making short term weight loss goals so as to reach an even bigger goal. Last night I was thinking that as long as I was making big goals of weight loss, I was always getting impatient when I didn't reach them. So I decide to make a small goal and to build up from there. I am going to start off by loosing just 5lbs and to build up from there.

8. On that note, I might have to part ways with my favorite guilty pleasure, Kit Kat. Sigh!!!

9. Having to wear a retainer reminded me about how much I wanted to have a grill when I was in undergrad..lol...yeah..very weird...but after wearing braces all this time, you would think I would be able to just smile without having to have additional appliances in my mouth.

10. Kind eyes, when will I see you again? Sigh!

Lastest Discovery....what music I love used to sound like

Its been a very interesting week. I have just put behind me a rather stressful week of studying for a Finance mid-term. You would have thought I was studying for the Olympics of midterms... I studied my blessed tush off for that exam. I was so amazing how the blessed Lord guided me every step of the way. This morning, I woke up and had so much peace, knowing that "He who keeps me does not slumber"-Psalm 121:3. As I waited for the exam to start, I felt some of the natural jitters...but they were jitters of anticipation. I was ready to get it over with. As I looked through the questions and crossed checked my work, I felt an even great sense of accomplishment. Its in the Lord's hands. I praise the Lord in advance for a successful result on this mid term.

Most people who know me, know that I like music. I love uplifting, positive, soulful music. I love sensing that the singer is feeling what they are singing. Anything that makes me think to a certain era or brightens my mood is fine by me. One of my favorite artist is Joss Stone. She is a young British girl who came on the scene about 5 years ago, and since the very first time I heard her sing, I have been a big fan of hers. What makes her special to me is the fact that she has so much soul. You would never think that so much soul could come out of a girl in her early twenties. Her voice is soulful but her music reminds me of old school music . Y'know, in the 60's and 70's before the days of auto tune and overly done offensive lyrics. Music of that time had a pureness that I find to be really lacking today. People tell me all the time " what do you know about that kinda music? That was before your time". I always tell them that indeed this type of music is before my time but I believe that good music transcends over generations. It stands the test of time and has the ability to influence. And also, I am old soul. I like music from the Isley Brothers, The temptations, Diana Ross etc. Joss Stone has an amazing pure and soulful voice with an even interesting sense of style. By only issue I have with her is that she doesn't wear shoes...but if you saw her, you could see how it fits into her "flower child, free love" sense of style. Well...enough talk...just listen. I heard this song on youtube the other day and just feel in love... Introducing Joss Stone:

Live:

Death to Reality TV Romances...moment of silence!!!!

DISCLAIMER: The title above is aplay on Jay's new song "Death to Autotune"...I think you will find the title fitting for what I am about to ramble about.

If you are anything like me, at some point in your life you have been sucked into a fad or trend that was pretty much useless but for some reason , that habit/show/thing had such an additive nature and you find yourself going back to it..over and over again. I am definitely guilty of such behavior. The habit in question is my patronage of reality tv romances. Let me first state that I am a hopeful romantic ( notice the suffix " ful" not "less) because I like to think that when it comes to the issues of love, that I approach it with a sense of wisdom and common sense rather than reckless abandonment.

But that leads me to my issue with reality TV romances. A couple of months ago, I was just as shocked as everyone else to see that the Bachelor had decided that after proposing to one girl, he had a change of heart and decided that he was indeed in love with the girl that he had sent away. Ok. Offense number one ...why in the world would you ever propose to someone who you have been dating under the surveillance of a camera crew for six weeks? Not to mention 24 other girls/guys vying for the affection of the bachelor/ette in question. Not to say that whirlwind romance do not happen, however..in the real world...people do not fly to New Zealand for romantic dates and make life long connections while half naked in a jacuzzi between make out sessions..it really doesn't happen that way. But I will get back to that later.

Offense number 2: After the Bachelor decided that he couldn't live without the young woman he had rejected and that indeed he was in love with her, he decides to arrange to tell his "fiancée" (I use the term loosely..somewhat sarcastically) in a specially televised special, that he was no longer in love with her and that in fact, he was in love with the woman that he let go. *sigh*. Oh..wait...it gets better!!

Offense number 3: Said freshly dumped fiancée hands the bachelor back his bling , tells him off and walks off stage left. You would think this were the end of it...but noooooo!! They go on to have the rejected bachelorette he sent home, come from back stage onto the show where the bachelor goes on tell her, who is totally clueless by the way, that he is indeed in love with her and wants her back. Long story short, she agrees to take him back and they go on to make out.How rude!!! The spot where the former fiancee sat is still warm and they are already carrying on as if nothing happened. Not my portion!!!In baseball, they say"Three strikes and you're out" Well three strikes and I was officially annoyed:(!!

I am not opposed to people making mistakes but to make a mistake of that nature and to televise your " trying to do the right thing"moment on television , is just tacky!! I mean seriously, what was he thinking airing his pungent, love laundry out for all of America to see. How much of a narcissist are you??? Oh and never propose to a person after you just broke down letting the other chick go. Seriously!!! But that is my bit about the season of the Bachelor that aired this season. I promised myself that I would never watch that show again. I almost wanted to have daily reminders pasted on by bathroom mirror just so that I will not forget to turn of the tv the next time promos for the next season aired. But did I take heed to my reminders?Nope!! I watched the new season of the Bachelorette, which equally metaphorically left a bad taste in my mouth.

What am I trying to say here? After having watched a number of these dating shows, I have observed a pattern that is hard to ignore. Number one: The couples in question almost never stay together. I mean out of 13 seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette...only one couple is married and still together...two are still dating...the remaining have all gone their separate ways. Some have gone on to marry people who have nothing to do with the entertainment business...meeting under normal circumstances. Is it any wonder why romances that are created under such superficial circumstances designed solely to create temporary links of affections and to wow the audience at home leaving women and men across America in awe, would eventually dissolves once the "bubble breaks" and spits them into reality? In real life, no body..at least nobody that I know, dates/courts like that. I mean amongst a real life budding romance comes the obstacles of real life that involve responsibilities and obligations, not taking time off work to date someone who you only see when they are at their best for the duration of the series.

Number 2: There is always the characteristic villain or protagonist of every show. The goody girl or guy that never finishes first or the " I am not here to make friends so I don't care if they like me" chick or guy who stirs things up. Its like a script. Lord forbid that they have a house full of normal respectful people who just want to see if they have a connection with the guy or girl in question. That's boring..nobody wants to watch that! So you throw in the "pot stirrer" that generates viewership which eventually translates in dollar bills for the network. Its all about the benjamins!!! Dollar dollar bills,y'all!!! Networks make millions off of our thirst for drama. But the bigger question is...how do people truly expect to find love if a part of the equation involves money making? Is that honest?

Number 3: I think in society , making a love connection is synonymous with physical intimacy. I am not opposed to romance in the least but the fact that each season of the bachelor or bachelorette involves a bevy of physically fit men and women all frolicking in a hot tub or pool is interesting. I mean, honestly, when was the last time you saw a guy with some love handles on the show? Or a plus sized woman? Of all the seasons, I have never seen a guy or a girl on the show that looked like the average American that doesn't always go to the gym or loves a good bowl of pasta every now and then. And this is not to say that looking physically fit is a bad thing, but what is that communicating to the young men and women who are watching the show, ultimately? That sculpted bodies are almost always part of the process of finding a mate? But lets leave that bit alone. I have always had an issue with the need for the Bachelor and bachelorette to make out with the suitors. Maybe one or two...but to see a the bachelor kiss two or three girls one night and the next night tell the girl he kissed that night before that there was " no connection" just before he leads her to the limo in tears, is just ludicrous. Kissing does not equal connection or knowing that you have one or not.Multiple sucking face sessions does not a long lasting relationship make. Oh and let's not forget the fantasy suites. I mean seriously, shouldn't that fact that your "grandmaw" and "grandpaw" potentially watching discourge one from accepting the invitation to spend the night as a couple. Oh, I bet they play snakes and ladders,knit sweaters and braid each other hair while they tell each scary stories *insert eyeroll here*

Number 4: Since when has it become normal for a girl or a guy to win a contest or a challenge just so that he/she can have "alone time" with the person in questions. Well what if you are a good match for the person but you never win the challenges? And since , the bachelor or bachelorette has to eliminate someone every week, they can only keep people around that they have come to know...a potential life partner probably gets eliminated because they didn't win enough challenges..which, oddly enough, sometimes translates to them "not wanting it enough". Oh and what is up with girl and guys getting so emotional after the first round of eliminations. I has left me many times puzzled and confused. You don't know the dude or chick from anywhere...why do you care so much???? If he let you go the first night..it was purely on a first impression basis, or possibly a " are you hot enough?" basis and you just didn't make the cut. It probably wasn't meant to be..and if you ask me , they are probably better off. In fact, they are!!!

Number 5: And this is my last point, in case you are tired of reading or you are tired of saying "Yes, Vivian, you are on point!! Tell 'em, Tell 'em!!". I totally understand :-). But anyways, to sum up my ramblings, I have to look at this whole debacle from a spiritual standpoint. I believe that God had tailor made someone who is specially suited for everyone. And this is not to say that God can not work in mysterious ways , however, what is the likelihood that within this hand picked,"finely" selected pool of hopefuls , that God's choice is within the group? I mean seriously!! I mean it could happen but can a fruitful relationship really thrive and flourish amidst the chaos and the madness that comes with these scripted so called romance shows? Well, from my personal perspective, I feel that the bachelor or bachelorette/kokolet (lol) always ends up with the most suitable person for them of the bunch. But the most suitable of the bunch does not exactly mean the right one. That is probably why the relationships don't last! After the initial haze of romance wears off, both individuals see each other for who they are and take a hard evaluation of one another and realize that while the experience was awesome and what not, they are not compatible and if they are married , they say they have the classic " irreconcilable differences"syndrome. *sigh*...not my portion!!!

This is not to target the Bachelor/Bachelorette because so many reality tv romances follow the same format. Hot guy or girl, hot hopefuls with nice abs and teeth, a hot tube, nice house, beautiful getaways, alcohol,a rose, a clock, a silly catchphrase like " You still got a shot of love, are you interested?" or " Will you please accept this rose?" or the best one ever "You know what time it is?",lots of drama and the occasional ambulance...just for extra drama. Have you ever noticed that in the previews for these shows, they always feature an ambulance and you think something horrible happened..only to watch the show and find out that one of the cast members had an hangnail or a stubbed toe that needed to be treated, hahaha!! See,they sucked you in and I admit, I have fallen for it so many times. While all this is great for entertainment value, I don't want to believe that the process of finding a mate that God has for us can be so superficial and grotesque. So blah. NOT MY PORTION,AT ALL!!!!!After this past season , I have come to find reality tv romances rather toxic to my sensitivities. I am tired! I am over it ...so over it!!!Done! Even if I can not get the networks all over the US to cancel such shows, I can declare death to reality tv shows in my personal life. I don't need to indulge in that drama. I believe in true love but the kind of love that is "is patient, .. is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I believe the saddest thing in all of this is that people might feel or start to believe that true love has to be drama filled and chaotic but I believe truly that God did not fashion it to be so. We as human beings enjoy the art of complicating the simple things. Making things more difficult that they really are.I desire for a time when what I see on television when it comes to love resembles what I read in the bible. But until then , I will give a personal moment of silence for the reality tv romance junk that I have indulged in. If I could empty out my brain of all the junk I have watched over the years and its residue, I would put it in a capsule and place it a space shuttle destined for the sun where it will vaporize. Ok, I am being a little dramatic..but seriously, I will by God's grace, no longer indulge in all of that. Hopefully you will do the same or at least be mindful of the fact that God has so much better in store for those who wait and trust in him. Amen. There!!! I promised a couple of blogs ago that I would rant about Reality Tv Romance..now I can breath a sigh of relief and step of my soap box. Be blessed.

Got my attention

I was on my way to school the other day and while listening to the radio , these lyrics got my attention . The song started out " He is jealous for me..." and I just had to hear the rest of the song. The song is He loves us by David Crowder Band and apparently the song has been covered by other worship bands like Hillsong. But this version was just so melodic and beautiful. Since that day, I have been obsessed with the song. I keep hoping that KSBJ would play it when I am in the car, lol. It just reminds us that God is so awesome and He loves us ...He is crazy about us. Hearing this song when in the middle of a long day is like a shot of encouragement to my soul. I am definitely a fan. Here is the song

Lyrics that I stand on

Victory by Yolanda Adams

I got ,got the victory
I got the sweet ,sweet victory in Jesus yes I do He is a mighty conqueror
In him I will trust all my battle's He'll fight
I got ,got the victory I got the sweet ,sweet victory in Jesus
for me He died but He rose on the third day that's why
I have true victory everyday

Verse 1:
Truly I been through the storm and rain
I know everything about heartache and pain
But God carried me through it all
Without His protection I'd surely fall
I been broke without a dime to my name
but all my bills got paid 'cause I called on Jesus name
You can't tell me that God isn't real 'cause
I got the victory and that's why I'm still here

Chorus

I'm not worried 'bout material things I don't have
I just rest 'cause I'm sure in my savior's care
'cause I know that my blessing is on the way
I can't see it right now but I stand by faith
I fought many ,many battle's in His name
I held up the bloodstained banner and proclaim
that Jesus is the Truth and the Light
believe it when I say He will make it alright

Bridge
Yeah I got the victory ,yeah I got the victory yeah ,yeah ,yeah
(And if you have the victory sing along with me)
Yeah I got the victory ,yeah I got the victory yeah ,yeah ,yeah
(Over all of the trials,hey yeah,sing it with me I got the victory)

Chorus 2x